I am a victim! There is a nefarious creature who creeps up on me swiftly and oh so silently that it has its deadly clutches around my mind and sends it into an emotional irrational frenzy that causes me great harm and by projection sends those closest to me into the same mental tailspin of destruction and insanity.It has its own agenda, emotions and an ego that makes a tsunami seem like child's play when it strikes. It creates destructive patterns that we can not see, feel, sense, or control. It triggers and uses against us those patterns that are coded directly into our brain which tend to be unconscious unless we "know" of them which in this case, till now, I had no idea they affected me in such a dangerous way.
They deal with the emotional part in relation to my very "self-identity." This creature does not want me to "see" the truth but instead the emotional story it wants, it turns me into a destructive path and enjoys it. It controls me instead of me controlling my life.
It makes me use the "YOU" word along with the "I" word, it takes away my free will so that instead of "listening" I defend/attack, it makes me feel as if I am not respected and forces me to perceive it wrongly as something "personal!" I skews my perception and hides it behind unrealistic emotional outburst so that I want to "even the score" when there is no score to even out.
It tricks me into making personal space and mind into a territorial issue where I need to defend against its incursion by outside stuff. When I get into the angry defensive and attack mode it excuses it and any mistakes it leads me into as I continue to spiral down into the depths of fear and anger.
It tells me that others opinions are not important disguising them as attacks. It wants me to be so focused on "being right" that I miss the chance to see how the problems can be solved amicably vs. all this anger, danger, fighting and ego stroking. It wants my ego to feed on it in lieu of resolving problems in a amicable and win-win way.
It gives me those unrelated and unnecessary issues and use them as weapons that are in reality vague,accusatory and psychic so that it will delay and circumvent truth and create confusion which is received as threatening and usually elicits an emotional response to feed the creature in others so the battle will continue on an emotional level vs. a logical one that would keep it out of a conflict mode.
This creature literally hijacks my mind and emotions and then causes the body to run amok exacerbating and inflaming me out of control. It says I have to stay in this defense/attack mode cause the problem has to be handle and fixed NOW when in reality it does not, it is a tactic to keep me from seeing and understanding and knowing that it is not a threat to my self identity or my life. It wants me to hurt instead of empathize; it wants me to punish instead of understand; it wants me to see criticism and ignore the complaint. It wants my fear to feed on instead of my acceptance of the problem.
It knows the difference between a legitimate complaint and an out and out criticism. It knows that a legitimate complaint is something that will be addressed and resolved which is counter productive to its needs, wants, and ultimate goals. It knows that to drag me into its clutches and infect others it has to get me to believe in criticisms as condemnation of me and it knows it can feed on more since criticisms mean no resolutions, just more emotionally charged crap.
It knows that I am vulnerable to criticisms so it will push them up immediately after a valid complaint is provided just to keep me in this horrible position and feeds off it. It knows that people are hypersensitive about admitting to mistakes or errors so when they hear the complaint the creature wishers in my ear, "this is a criticism, it is punishment or the punishment will follow real soon so fight and defend and be emotionally charges so you do listen, don't hear…"
There is only one thing I can do, I have to believe in this nefarious creature so I can recognize him in me and in others. If he comes, sometimes silently before I know it consciously, I must recognize the traits and immediately stop him cold. I must show that I WILL NOT attack; I have no INTENT to dominate; I will NOT go into a punishment mode. I will do this so the problem can be dealt with in lieu of escalating it into its domain of damaging anger and frustration where no one wins and everyone loses.
I will remember that emotions happen faster than my conscious thought. I will use self talk to teach myself to act properly and put up a barrier to defend against the clutches of this horrible creature. I will KNOW that if I let the creature loose within me that it will infect all those in my vicinity and cause them to succumb to this creatures evil ways. I will de-escalate myself first! I will KNOW when this creature is in the room and take corrective action.
Who is this creature? It is me or the part of me called by some as "The Monkey Brain!" It is the worst part of me and although given to me in a time where survival of me and the group meant life or death it is no longer, in these instances, a life or death situation so it can be suppressed. It is not needed mostly today but still sits deep within my DNA and comes to the surface at the threat of death causing it to kick in its antiquated survival tactics. I will learn to use it instead of it using me so it will provide needed protection only when life is "actually/really" threatened and all others it will remain behind the barrier I place before it where I am the gatekeeper, not the monkey brain.
This is my first step in this new goal, to recognize the monkey brain and its unproductive and damaging ways. I will see it and recognize it and then protect/defend myself from it. It will not infect me nor will I allow it to infect anyone else, those in my group, those that are loved ones.
I have a mission! I have a goal! I will not be its victim again!
No comments:
Post a Comment